I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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