best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
