how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
