Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
