oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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