i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
