Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
