Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
