glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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