i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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