I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
