Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
