How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jerry, you need to find god
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
