i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I checked into jail on foursquare
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
