i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
