I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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