i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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