The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
