I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
