see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize