Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
