god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
