I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
