and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
