for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
