i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
