we have pet lesbian snakes
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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