i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
