ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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