I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
