yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
