the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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