I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
