Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
