Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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