I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
