Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
