um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
