It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
