The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
