There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
