I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
