I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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