I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
