ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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