He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
