he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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