I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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