you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
