I cannot find my penis.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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