Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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