singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
