There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
