How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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