I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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