My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
